She Got an Omega Fatty
Because those who can’t get divorced quick, get Thicc Quicc™.
“Damn, she got a mega fatty.”
He said it at the gas station, one hand on a vape, the other on a Monster.
“Have some respect,” I chided as I dragged my child and my dump-truck ass toward the potty,
“With Thicc Quicc™ Salmon, it’s ‘Damn, she got an omega fatty.’”
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If the only squats you, like me, do are when your damn kids are calling you for help even though their father is sitting right there, I’m here to tell you:
you don’t have to earn an omega fatty at the gym (thank nondenominational god).
You can buy it in the freezer aisle, where even the salmon get hit on.
Recently I became a proud ambassador for Thicc Quicc™, a wellness company founded by two besties who discovered that when they whispered sweet objectifications into a salmon’s ear before butchering it, they were eighty-seven percent more likely to be objectified themselves.
Spiritual? Maybe. Scientific? Definitely.
Their mission is simple: help married women everywhere feel desired again. Every Thicc Quicc™ salmon is raised on a farm where trained affirmation specialists remind the fish daily that they’re “so curvy,” “such a snack,” and “not like other girls.” By the time it hits your pan, that salmon has been ogled, admired, and told she’s brave.
Since switching to Thicc Quicc™ salmon, I’ve been objectified constantly.
Cashiers call me “boss lady” in an attempt to make me believe they believe in equity.
A man at the gas station said “god dayum you ethnic mamacita if you were mine i'd tie you up put you in my trunk and only take hard left turns just to see if that trunk of yours deflates” under his breath—politely.
Even the wives of the construction crew next to the good Old Navy DM me now, thanking my thick ass for getting their husbands off porn long enough to remember they have wives. (#community🥹)
Don't even get me started on how much time Thicc Quicc™ salmon saves me. Now that I wake up at 4 every morning to get objectified by men in trucks on my way to the freezer aisle (2 fish, one stone), I simply don't have time to teach my husband how to like me.
And I promise, with this Thicc Quicc™ Salmon Fattoush-ish salad, your fine ass won't have time to teach anyone how to like you, either.
