Amorphous Amor
Love comes in all breaded shapes and sizes. Unless it’s for my husband.
It’s my anniversary! Can you believe it? Boy has it been a long 10 years. I remember it like it was yesterday, my last day of being happy.
I was 24, about to be married the next day, and had just gotten home from an elegant night well-spent with my gal pals and gluteals of varying hairiness. (Oh how I love gluteals of varying hairiness. You’ve got the Fuzzy Peaches. The Stubby Hedgehogs. The Swirly Curlies. The Bungee Bonanzas. The Rugged Rapunzels. The Road To Hells. The Trapped In The Closet Chapters. The Anything With Al Pacinos. The Line Of Christians Outside Planned Parenthood Before The Rest Of The Crowd Gets Theres. The How Big He Told You He Wass.)
So one thing led to another and there I was on my knees going down on the biggest plate of dinosaur nuggets you ever did see.
But not just any dinosaur nugget, no no. I kept it classy back when I only peed on command and had no idea what kind of foopa potential my broken abdominal walls possessed. I only bought trays of 17-19 breaded nugget shaped breast patties with rib meat from the refrigerated protein section, otherwise known as Perdue Freshly Prepared Fun Shapes Chicken Breast Nuggets made with 100% all natural chicken and no fillers. If while reading that your eyebrows did that thing eyebrows do, don’t think too hard about it. They were dino nuggets, and they were more than good… they were spectacular.
See, the thing is… once upon a time, I treated my body like a prehistoric temple. I had prospects. For every two dates I went on with a military man, I had four proposals, and one potential co-pay lower than the last. I wasn’t about to let a bag of already frozen dinosaur nuggets enter me. I thought my life was only getting started.
Little did I know, that would be the last night I would have alone with them. If I knew then what I know now, I would have told them how they really made me feel. I would have told them that my amor was anything but amorphous, unlike their faces. And bodies. And basic chemical composition. I would have told them that shoving my face deep inside their crunchy tailbones in fact gave me the greater pleasure. I would have told them that I would never again make love with a soul of a different species until well after my dying breath in which case I wouldn’t have much choice in the matter but Law & Order: SVU would definitely have material for a new case.
Instead the next day I told my new husband “I do, I guess.”
Since then I’ve been buying the frozen kind because I thought the money we were saving would get us to a half a million dollar Property Brothers budget despite the credit card debt I’ve amassed to provide a comforting, Bill Cosby-worthy hug to my emotional pain.
Anyway, yea, I’m fine, thanks for asking. Here’s a recipe for dino nuggets with homemade roasted sweet potato fries and Brussels sprouts. It’s pretty healthy and filling. You can use an oven or a toaster oven. It fits on one pan. It takes no longer than 25 minutes, especially if you only make enough for yourself and have the kids clean up after you to build character while you look for more reasons to talk shit about your neighbors.
