Salt Bae

Why be bitter when you can be salty?

It’s been a while since I left my house, and I’m pretty sure the next time I do decide to look my boobs in the face, I’ll have a permanent tattoo of a multi-grain cheerio (proud believer in the existence of diversity here). But I’ve got to say,  I am loving the opportunity to nourish my soul and really connect to who I am inside—because when all is divorced and done, I’m an eater. I guess if the world is going to go to shit, I’m relieved it was for a good cause. 

Which is why it’s such a shame that the kids have been real assholes lately. Keep your eyes peeled for my post about safely infusing your infant’s gums with whiskey, as seen in Meet the Fockers. Or was it Fox News? Haven’t heard from either of them in hours, so I assume they’re either texting the sperms that (luckily) got away, or knocked out room temperature. Which is great, because their incessant nagging actually inspired a little something I’m going to call Salt Bae.

Trite. I know. But then again, so is my life. 

My three year old, Cornelius, asked for a snack earlier. She wanted something slightly sweet, but with a hint of salt for the right sense of umami. At first I was like “sis what, how dare you be hungry outside of your designated meal times.” But then I realized she was probably just drunk, and well, same, so I gave her some stale pretzels to soak up the medicine because I only had a small bit of ice cream left and I didn’t want to waste any more of the good things I have in life on her. And therein lay my moment of greatness. 

While this recipe may seem intimidating at first, worry not my friends. I would never do anything that required a ridiculous amount of effort. A lot of it really is just internalizing classic technique and watching Gordon Ramsay impersonate baby rhinos, then it’s just smooth sailing from there. It was so easy and delicious in fact, that I already ordered the perfect pair of boot cut jeans from Old Navy in the next size up. No, it was so easy and delicious, that I already started writing an outline for my 600-lb Life audition tape. NO, it was SO easy and delicious, that I already stopped having sex. 

Can’t even imagine having that much time to eat more? Try it for yourself. 

Bone apple teeth!

WARNING: Writing “Help” in chocolate will apparently get you nowhere.